WAR IS OVER

 Hi, I want to know for sure, right?

Here I want to tell about myself a few years ago. So, when I was even 10 years old, I experienced mental health. Where at that time the Covid-19 outbreak was increasing, at that time I often stayed at home and with the outbreak I became an introvert child, couldn't get along, afraid of crowds. Oh yes, fyi, my father has end-stage renal failure where every week he has to have dialysis. Before it was known what disease was in my father's body, we as a family faced obstacles that were so big that we couldn't

I, my mother and my brother almost lost my father. There, I experienced a huge trauma because I saw my father lying limp in a gurney and using oxygen and using medical equipment attached to his body. There my mind was a mess where I usually saw my father healthy and enthusiastic, whereas at that time my father was lying limp and fighting for his health I was afraid if I saw my father wearing medical equipment on his body. Sometimes my mind is filled with negative thoughts "Will I lose my father today? God, I beg you, not now, I haven't been able to make him happy, I haven't been able to make my father proud of me.” When my father was sick, many things that were usually in me suddenly disappeared. Starting from affection, attention and others. Yes, I used to be a spoiled child, usually I always slept in three with my father and mother, but after my father was sick, I rarely wasn't together, even when my father asked me to sleep with him, I always refused because my father's illness made my father's attitude different. His attitude is like that of a child. I don't know why in the past when my father was sick I didn't want to sleep with him and be close to him because I was "scared". As time went on I was getting tired and feeling lonely because when I saw my friends playing with their father I could only see him smiling and I always talked to myself "when is daddy getting better I want them to be delivered and picked up when they come home from school" fyi, when I was in elementary school, I always walked home, otherwise I took public transportation. It was there that I started to get depressed, because I was always haunted by fear, starting from my father getting sick, about losing my father, bullying and there were still several other factors that made me do self harm. Yes, self harm, I often hurt myself by scraping that flat, sharp object on my hand. Not only that, I did things that made myself feel relieved, such as cutting my hair, hitting my head, and pulling my hair out. Maybe you think I'm alay, etc. But, you have to be used to understanding everyone's situation because not everyone is strong.